The Four Horsemen of Couple’s Therapy

Today I wanted to tell you about one of the methods I use for couples’ therapy.  It is called the Gottman Method.  Briefly, it involves recognizing what they call, The Four Horsemen, that can cause issues in a relationship.  These four elements of conflict are:

1. Criticism, when couples attack each other’s character. For example, “You’re always talking about yourself.  You don’t care about me and never ask about me.”  Words like “always” and “never” imply a negative personality flaw and can escalate the conflict and cause it to become more intense.
2. Contempt, when couples show disrespect through sarcasm, ridicule, name calling, or eye-rolling. For example, saying “Yah right,” “Whatever,” “You’re such a drama queen” can escalate the conflict, and implies the other person is insignificant and is dismissive.
3. Defensiveness, when couples attempt to make the problem the other person’s fault by playing the innocent victim and blaming their partner. Does this scenario sound familiar to you or anyone else you might know?

I feel attacked-

I counterattack-

They say, “don’t get defensive”-

I get more defensive-

I yell-

They yell-

I yell louder-

They cry-

I win–

We both lose.

I teach couples and individuals how to disagree in such a way that they do not lose through scorekeeping and “winning” a disagreement.

4. Stonewalling, is when one of the partners withdraws from the discussion and stops responding to their partner, such as by saying, “I can’t talk to you,” “There’s no point in this,” or by leaving the discussion physically or ignoring the other person.

These four elements can spell trouble in a relationship.  I can help distressed couples who struggle with conflict learn how to navigate their disagreements without using any of The Four Horsemen but rather by thinking harmonious thoughts.